1. A Very Shiny Fire Hose

What is it? 

A shining beacon of fire safety, a silent promise of stoic guardianship reflected in the bright eyes of the students who behold it.

Where is it?

In front of the library.

Its intended use:

Saving burning books (and students) with the power of water probably. Emboldening and dazzling us with its splendor.

What it’s actually used for:

A last-minute food free teeth check before seeing absolutely everyone you know in the library.

2. This Painting of a Maniacal Logging Woman

What is it?

A painting of a very, very happy worker.

Where is it?

Level C of the Library somewhere.

Its intended use:

A grim reminder of the catastrophic environmental cost your haphazard printing regime is inflicting on the world. Assumedly also an illuminating glimpse into the mental toll logging takes on its workers.

What it’s actually used for:

Decoration? I’d be surprised if many students have actually beheld the madness that is this painting, unless trying really hard to avoid paying attention to an imminently due assignment.

3. The Study Egg

What is it?

I’m pretty sure it’s just a giant study egg. They can raise the door on you and doom your wretched soul to eternal study damnation if you don’t work hard enough, I think.

Where is it?

I wanna say… building 5?

Its intended use:

Simulating the hatching of fresh new knowledgeable students into the world.

What it’s actually used for:

Studying in silence save for the cacophonous sound of table tennis aggressively played outside.

4. The Medical Centre Potato Men

“I have no mouth but I must scream.”

What is it?

An uncertainty, a faceless threat. The ultimate fight or flight instigator. The potato men of the medical centre don’t care for what ails you. Stripped of sensory input of any kind, they know nothing but to suffer. Their soft, weak bodies are the ultimate vessels for pain, and you better believe if suffocating you in your sleep would release them from their torment, they would do so in a second.

Where is it?

They stand near the medical centre, frozen in time and torment.

Its intended use:

A cute and whacky mascot for the friendly staff at the medical centre.

What it’s actually used for:

Freaking me out man.

5. The Scattered Remains of Some Distant Pot-Smoking Civilisation

What is it?

A small chair, a dirty tarp, and more homemade bongs than you can poke a stick at. Legend has it that a great tribe of stoners lived there once, and smoked so much weed that they were turned into plants for their hubris.

Where is it?

In the woods near the student accommodation. If you listen really hard while walking through them, you can still hear the quiet sound of deeply non-profound ramblings and snacking, carried by the wind through the trees.

Its intended use: 

Smoking weed through juice bottles like a savage, away from judgmental eyes.

What it’s actually used for:

Smoking weed through juice bottles like a savage, away from judgmental eyes.

6. Some Terrifying Visage I Spied Through a Window While Walking Once

What is it?

A deeply unsettling collection of human-like plastic entities, mocked up like patients and left to the mercy of the medical students. Like the potato men, they exist to be tortured, but unlike the potato men, they possess the physical form needed to get their revenge. I’ve been told that each year they grow in power, and the time of our reckoning draws near.

Where is it?

They appear in random windows at night.

Its intended use:

I think they force medical students to try and bring them to life through CPR and other such actions. Do they not realise they play with fire when success means the end of life as we know it?

What it’s actually used for:

Judging medical students for their sins.

Got a hot tip for something interesting to see at UC? Send it in and a crack team of investigators will be deployed to sus it out.