Originally published in Issue one, 2014. Republished for SHAG Week 2015.

Hola, my fresh and bubbly first years, and welcome to your brave new life as a university student. Now that you’ve made your way into the big, bad world of adults, I’d like to start by saying, it’s 100%, A-OK to have sex. It’s okay to want it, it’s okay to need it, it’s okay to have sex in the missionary position, and it’s most certainly okay to have sex standing up. It’s all good, as long as you’re participating in safe, and consensual sexual activity. You can’t just go poking and smothering people with your parts; the only yes is a yes.

The university is brimming with students just like you. There’s the straight and the gay, lesbians, transgender, bisexuals, queers, questioning, and intersex; everybody is packed in. Whatever you like, they’re here, and they’re in their droves, with their genitals neatly tucked into their undergarments.

You’re embarking on a minimum three-year journey here at UC. Imagine the sexual escapades you’re venturing into, the desires you’ll discover, that cheeky g-spot you never knew you had (in your butthole guys), the breasts, the penises, and the vaginas. You’ve got the pheromones, and they’ve got the steam to blow off. Kindly intercourse together, but before you do, there’s a few thing you’ve got to understand.

Know your bits

You can’t just go flailing around, putting your thing in someone, letting someone put their thing in you, or rubbing your thing against their thing to make a sexy fire of love – that’s how STDs spread, guys. And it’s an easily avoidable stress. You should be getting regular health checks on your genitals – and if you haven’t, book an appointment with medical and counselling in UC’s building 1. The doctors there will treat you for free! Hooray for Medicare (in its current state)! Once both your doctor and your partner have given you the green to thrust and hump, go nuts.

Know their bits

As important as it is for you to know your sexual history, you should know that of your significant whomever as well. You don’t want to contract something unknowingly, then stick your jam in/on everyone and spread the STD further. Sharing is indeed caring, but not when it comes to STDs! Remember your morals and ethics, people! Of course, the reason this isn’t going to happen to you is because you’re not stupid, and because you’re going to lower the risk of every bi-product of sex by slipping on a slick and cosy condom. But ladies, remember to carry around some jizz catchers too – ‘cause he isn’t the one carrying a womb around in that bodacious bod.

Say you do find an itchy you need to scratchy in the post-lovemaking phase: a quick trip to the GP is a must. Pop over to the health hub pharmacy for medicine on the go. Pharmacists Ben and Andrew want those sneaky o-week love rashes gone just as quickly as you do.

Finally, remember that university is stressful. It’s healthy to find comfort in the arms of someone who empathises with your first world struggles. Be fruitful, enjoy sex, and take pride in saying ‘no’ when the feeling isn’t right!